Brian O’Dowd was born in Dublin. He lives in Toronto. O’Dowd is a Professor at the University of Toronto.

His novel ‘A Wicklow Girl’, was published in 2017. Available on Amazon etc. Publisher: Tellwell, Canada. In 2019 he won the prestigious Prix Galien 2019 Canadian Science Award, as reported in the Irish Times. – https://shorturl.at/O94ac

‘Ruffle Feathers’

By Brian O’Dowd

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Speaking ‘Oirish’.

Dear old Eire desperate dispensing pots of our Leprechaun’s Gold get us compulsory yapping in Gaelic.  Dragging kicking and screaming, bilingual competition with Béarla!  Hook or by craic determined have those ‘Máthair tongue’ focals all about, cities, towns and villages (there’s 3 dialects).

How that investment work out?

What’s upshot?

Fool’s gold down the drain?

Created generations of stressed-out kids. ‘Gaeilge’ listed as ‘first’ official language.  Accurate even beyond the Pale?  Now 58 countries English as ‘official language’.  We’d tiny baby head start in that game, Britania’s gift for Ireland.  Dealing with first and likely last language!  Crack on!  Multitudes spend fortunes learn to speak in ways gifted to us, first words heard was our Mammy’s loving voice prior to birth.  Adults in foreign lands painful struggles, most careers require fluent English.   

Look that gift horse in the mouth?

Europe astonishing 250 languages, Tower of Babel, likely 240 too many.  We’ve Four Literature Nobel prize winners, also Joyce, Wilde, Binchy, Doyle, O’Brien and gobs more.  All compose using departed Queen’s English.  At 10 years in Ring College near Helvick Head reading books in Gaelic, ability lost long ago.  Maybe finally call ‘spáid’ a spade throw in tuáille.  Béarla spread over four corners by Brits Empire ‘Sun never set’ right handy for reading at night.  Hands down today’s most valuable language!  British Empire ruled 412 million, those times!  From their wee island!  

Luck of the Irish!

Having incredible neighbour.

Fighting above their weight.

(fair or foul)

Not to rub it in Béarla is our ‘Mother tongue’.  Time to consign ‘Irish’ for museum shelves alongside Egypt hieroglyphs.  Don’t weep, Celt Gaelic had good run now water under the bridge off to deep oceans.   ‘Futility’ language or world’s universal language?  With competitive careers Gaelic carries no weight, perhaps baggage with precious school time spent.  Lost?  Our indigenous language (they say) at best 2% Irish speakers.

Nil gaelic agam.

Good try but no cigar.

No offence intended.

Just facts folks.

Perhaps ‘failure’ of unloved Gaelic, dare say we dodged a bullet.  BTW Gibraltar’s population of 34,000 talk local Llantio language.  Not many know that.  

I’ll no get started on Latin.

That agony!

Virgil and Caesar?

Homer Simpson more relevant.

Roll with the punches!

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Social Norms?

Some might say.

High-class complaint.

(What about the children?)

No luddite although nowt’s wrong with that, appreciate benefits of pocket phone.  Now hearing young bright spark folk doing ‘digital detox’ reversing to flip phone.  Meanwhile we tolerate plague of stupid people’s bad behaviour using ‘smart’ phones.  Willy-nilly launching these yoke, enough readies gets one.  Unleashed mind-blowing life changing technology, no guard lane buffers.  Prepared?   More impact than two pound bakelite black phone.

In Japan no phone calls on train or elevator.

Do recall cars eventually required rules, traffic lights, speed limits, age limits, eye sight test, seat belts, air bags.  Need license/insurance.  Never sat at kitchen table on home phone yapping away, unless in your cups.  Get deserved whack from any irritated.  Often home phone located under robust Victorian staircase, for privacy spot behind hefty winter garments.  Have costly trunk calls outside.

Need age limit for elderly having smart phones in public to restrict use.  They are ruining lives, stressing people in queues, it’s my nightmare. 

Telephone Boxes? Because once we were better people, few coppers activated booth of silence.   I miss their times.  First ‘Kiosk’ in Britain concrete, later iron, some sported ‘thatched roofs.  In 1927 equipped with machine for purchasing postage stamps.  All about communicating!  Had sticky reception due to mechanical rackets.  By 1990 UK pay phone boxes peaked at 100,000, in 2021 only 21,000, payphone use dropped 800 million minutes to five million.  Now 96% of adult Brits have mobile phone.  Ireland’s first box in 1925, all 3000 reported removed by 2024.

Now we suffer what used to be ‘Phone box work’.

Listening.

Once confined now unleashed.

In the Box armed with scrap of paper, motts number scored from Disco!  Feeling nervous.  Someone outside do not hog, terminate fair time.  Rare window taps.  Proper respect! 

“Sorry lad the ‘bird’.  Won’t be two minute.”

Thumb’s up.

“So grand.   See you at the Pillar.”

Sturdy stalwart walls protect from ears of citizens.  Never hear blabbing oblivious about doings, two foot away.  Don’t mind two-way conversation ear wigging on the bus, I’d take notes.  Human behaviour, while using ears designed by our creator.  Pubs made gallant efforts dulling coin phone chatters, duck under the hood.  Esteemed wisdom shared on high stools, at all cost do not interrupt!  Next phone box generation must have a seat, Alexander Bell phone not required.

How not to behave. Surrounded by youngster speaker phones blaring stuff, common as muck.

Use ear phones!

But older folk lost run of themselves.  Oldsters forgetting phone manners ‘youse grew up with’?   Need reign in geysers displays in public.  Things young people do with a flourish, born to the task.  Not tiresome elderly phonies, perhaps ‘smart’ yokes too advanced, now having mostly redundant brain contents from ancient times.

Boomer horrors!

Black and white TV, tiny screen!

Interference with neighbour hoovering.

No remote control!

Miss the show, no recording.

Phone dinosaurs holding queues as hostage, how far we’ve fallen.  

Need citizen arrest.

During wait time with other humans want silence!  Heaven help if first in Post office queue elderly lady gets phone call, we poor sinners hear.

‘Look I have to get this.

You do understand!’

Then ignores counter clerk, her urgent strident tones, surely must agree!  If only I was better lazy stayed in bed, now Gates of Hell descended.   Ordering endless treats for grand-kids visit.  Young clerk lad remained concerned, distressingly inactive.  That morning stuck on ‘Now what?  Rejected ‘Can you not shut it?’  Need emergency empower tellers operate trapdoor for such.  Not extreme having laws, something ‘fun’ soft landing comfortable mattress.  Not rattle old bones no harm or foul.  We’d cheer our young hero!  Look not pole vault landing more soft thud.  Out of sight can continue ordering.  Having ample bold warning signs, know what they are getting into.   Naturally.

Plague of old folk replacing wallets with Smart phones needs to stop.  Permit police stop and search for wallet.  Track the menace.

‘Hey gramps keep wallet, pencil and note book’.

In Bank line-up old lad endless scrolling, sausage fingers tapping tiny keys, searching requested information.  Gave a shoulder tap, ignored, focused on his gizmo, likely ‘mastered’ from busybody teenager.  That class of info transfer needs cease, perpetuates agonies.  Otherwise modern life cannot withstand and will falter.  

Enduring such punishments?

Surely rewarded major points in Hereafter.

Enough to escape Hell Fires?

‘Show your wallet!

Stay in your time Gramps.

Not join the bandwagon.’

Interventions?  Young people don’t bother me, youngsters go gang busters, flick of a wrist, have a life on their gizmo, truly no wallet needed.  Maybe play soccer in the park, give phone staring a break.    

Great memories ‘remember we sat around with our phones’.

All the time, every day.

Caused decline of reading books.

England smoking ban, born after 2008.

Need take a Leaf from that class of logic.

That’s the ticket.

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Cat out the Bag!

Once Armada marauded high seas reach out grab stuff.  Bagsy!  Now Rocks with high-falutin custom control, passports, facial recognition.  Turbulent times Straits proving ‘blockade’ effective tool to exploit.  ‘Strait of Gibraltar’ ideal chokepoint protect from vagabonds, puny 8 miles wide drop in the bucket.  British Overseas Territory Watchtower.  Time for ‘Rock of Church-Hill’.  Flood zone Dunkirk style, speed boats and drones.  Strait of Hormuz more formidable 21 miles wide.  Brits-Navy ruled waves Jolly Roger days, in 1799 Britain had 646 sea faring vessels.  Then Falklands island victory from 8000 miles!  

‘Islands will be free from occupation.’

Iron lady Margaret Thacher.

 

Blighty’s deserved windfall toll gallantly keeping Med safe from maggots, 300 ships transit daily, put wind up smug Super yachts sails.  Squeeze like Panama and Suez, their ship transit toll $44,000 to $460,000.  London be rocking like ‘Swinging Sixties’!

Britain and Ireland islands separated Mull of Kintyre to Torr head at 12 miles.  Mull on that for easy pickings.

Cash or back up long way round.

Victors spoilt with them spoils.

While surrounded by water.

Slainte.