Berni Dwan teaches Journalism in Dublin. Her work has appeared in A New Ulster, Stepaway Magazine, Crossways and the Irish Times New Irish Writing page (2017). She performed her one woman show – Unrhymed Dublin in Smock Alley Theatre’s Scene and Heard Festival 2016. She earned second prize in the 2017 Johnathan Swift Creative Writing Awards. Her A to Z of Historical Blunders; mistakes in history that should never have been repeated – can be found on Her radio show of the same name will be broadcast on Near FM 90.3, bi-weekly from April 10th.

Socratic Death

Quantum leap wasn’t in it. I took
a quantum quickstep to consuming
quorn and quinoa. And then there was
alfalfa sprouts and chia seeds; artisan, of course;
wantonly seasoned with pink rock salt. I dined
on them before indulging in some goji
berries. Sated with organic wholesomeness I
Nordic walked through the park hallucinating all the while
about a night on the tiles with hedonistic almond milk and
sybaritic coconut water laced with manuka honey. I was a
gastric gourmet; it took guts. To delay the ravages of aging I
went down on all fours to graze on wheatgrass; aiming
to look a wizened fifty on turning ninety. But

now I’m ninety, I don’t care. A girl has to start living
some time, you know. I will swop the farmer’s market for the
‘greasy spoon’. Like Socrates self-administering the deadly hemlock
surrounded by inconsolable acolytes, I will broadcast the
the killer calorie shot on YouTube; cheesy wedges and
a cream doughnut.