Brian O’Dowd – Troubled Makers

Brian O’Dowd was born in Dublin. He lives in Toronto. O’Dowd is a Professor at the University of Toronto. His novel ‘A Wicklow Girl’, was published in 2017. Available on Amazon etc. Publisher: Tellwell, Canada. In 2019 he won the prestigious Prix Galien 2019 Canadian Science Award, as reported in the Irish Times. https://www.irishtimes.com/news/health/dubliner-wins-prix-galien-2019-award-for-pharmaceutical-research-1.4093350

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Troubled Makers Ⓒ

Brian O’Dowd

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Being skint to the bone we’d shipped out, fetched up on islands away in deepest blue, biggest one ‘Fusecbul’ off the beaten track.  Fly by nights was how we rolled.  Outa town by nick of time, feeling heat from the Plod.  Heads held high.  Over here they do not suffer fools gladly, had trusted me and lads would get sorted.   New spot for hustles with easier picking.

They get out of the way.

‘Laissez faire’ best bespoke English words.  Top of heap Old Money gentry ruled as Absolute.  Heavies not friends, control mayhem clear paths.  No red tape, but piss them off one iota then say hello to island’s Volcano.   Head first!  Island stratifications, mostly down-trodden bottom feeders living hand to mouth on chump change. Corner fella retreads tires, old bangers lined up round the block. Here nothing tossed, all fixed or repurpose, what officials say. Glasses from wine bottles, tin cans to mugs, scrap metal for even more ‘glorious’ Ancestor statues. I’ve not big shot smarts, but know bone head in mirror it’s me. Get instincts from Grand Ma. Not dare cast aspersions, if genial farmer instructs ‘listen lad eat from any tree but see that one over there, firm No!  Obeying that law on bended knees, aware who Top Boss is.  Don’t know what ‘dispositive’ means, ‘truth to power’, or ‘rule of thumb’, ‘zero sum game’, ‘dichotomy’, mix up ‘latter and former’, meanwhile what’s an artifice? Aware Canberra, town nobody knows, capital of Oz not Melbourne.  Ireland has Dublin not Ballinasloe, that’s respectful to jackeens jammed in the pale.  At home well notched up as ‘Flash Harry’, moniker follows me. Togged out trendy suits, watches, diamond rings if fake sure they’d never notice. Some posh circles had me pegged ‘sleazy operator’ not debonair, when I’m back solvent with the readies they’ll change tune. See I’ve natural charm, ambitions for a niche, easy earners, no construction I’m not building stuff! Now beloved bacteria proteins fixing wrinkles that’s proper outa the box!  Inspiring!  Up my alley.  While everyone thinks entrepreneur, most end up as grifters only hanging on! Green leaves never to flower.  Our team with mostly ‘bandit’ motivations, shady pros with out on bail cons, few stalwart miscreants for enforcing. Rum lot by any road, all with copy books blotted, frequent stepping on rakes having progress and thinking affected. This island our one last chance saloon. My policy trying not be wrong side of the old Bill, must not only appear on up and up. Tidy handy grafts, ‘getting parsnips buttered’. One Doc got done with implanting iron knuckles for hard knock lads.  Distant island Australia where animal innovations flourished, from Ireland only ever got crickets.  Apart from us humans no unique creatures.  Famous for no snakes, still?  Then Political, myself strict Librarian, shelves going which ways, thinking from both sides.  With mostly a ‘what’s in it for me’?  My own home-schooled education finished as know it all, annoy others having less knowing. Engaged with medical stacks, Ma in her cups declaring at family dinners ‘he got right funny ways after being getting dropped that early’. Shook me tiny head up proper hard. I keep my healthy glow, but stressed when toffs needing bigger slice of ‘shared’ pies. Hazard of partners in bent trades, they’ll bottle and drag us all down. Medical fraternity had it in for me, stepping on toes, feeling isolated as our Donegal outpost. We’d scruples, only not never enough or allowed to hinder progress. One flaw acknowledged we do not always proceed with best intentions. That can be a problem.

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Not for nothing we’d gained our ticket for free reign operations, justify Island Status card holders. Befitting grand table, as executives sat in ornate chairs.  Brains together spit balling ideas.  No point having all journey men, better being skilled.  Verdict?  Pitches too high falutin, let them waffle, held my fire listening to useless guff.   Tired old saws.  Yeah so we have gene for making Vitamin C, ours currently ‘dormant’ needs fixing then make Vit C like horses at ~70 grams per day.  With mammals only us and guinea pigs make nowt.   One bonus with fixing not need stuffed up daily by sour fruits.  Not to be sneezed at.  Who gets scurvy?  Where’s our quick pay off, then to vacate?  Not working forever.  Vit C tabs cost pennies.  Some others focused on Octopus with nine brains, okay that’s using their heads.  How come having them buried under sea and we space travelling.  All our eggs in one brain basket that comes to mind?  Octopus many neurons as dogs, maybe they’d not be searching behind mirrors.   Meanwhile I’d stroke of vision, putting ~us on easy street.  Seeking virgin territory, breezed over ‘If not broken don’t fix it’. Determined I’d scored the bread winner, includes slices. Doable!  Not special talented but round executive tables I’m number one.  Learned Wombats full appendixed, Kangaroos got zero. Both marsupials! Held that ace up my sleeve to beat the band.  Not disclosing company secrets but knowledge gets me inspired!  We got them doings, like walk in the park. Not going on about it but Oz creatures separated from us placentals 160 million years ago. Bravo for both!

“Lads need hit the road quick, on probation.   Big shots impatient.  Not delay.”

Lucky we’ve the few doctors, old Stanley gotten into difficulties, med licence yanked.  No fault but overwhelmed having stiff bills to pay.  Curled up distressed once a surgeon, now more sturgeon circling in a tank, before his dark-sides once wizard with surgical blades.  Now new lease, needed his talent like nobodies business.  Chance would be a fine thing.  Company philosophy ‘coins two sided’, donors and Rich, my favourite.  Appendix outcast of organs, never understood but good for somethings if you have’em.  No one really definite.  Appendicitis can strike out of the blue.  Lauded Darwin if did nowt we’d not be having it, still appendix hanging mysterious.  Good for someth, miniscule 0.35 inch appendage.  Better off without?  Put between bails of hay I’d head either way.  Sometimes bursts!  Now appendix evolved 30 times, classify as ubiquitous.  Pay attention now.  Wombats show it’s useful!  Kangaroos useless.  Seeing good for business.  Now they say as maybe, wee yoke aids in plant digestion like cellulose.  Also hangs waiting, life raft filled with good bowel bugs, replace after catastrophe.  Eating Aunt Tassy chicken left boiling in the sun.  ‘Safe house’ they call it stores the seed corn.  With mates we rapid hammered wee pamphlets ‘Appendix benefit’ and ‘Appendix useless’.   Face it organs not equal, kidney, lung, testicles, eye and ear, all duplicated.  ‘Such Top tiers!’.  Pharmacy shelves with ear plugs, for noisy neighbours, one ear plenty!  50% saving on earphones.   Humans most diverse species, few loaded others have barely pot to pee, Med yacht captains while most paddle canoe.  Both staying afloat.  Forever big wigs declared appendix vestigial (i.e. redundant). Organs come and go, once had tails, lost when stopped swinging from trees.  What were we thinking?  Disco nights no floor jive only swinging on branches.  Superior planets aliens keep long tails or reattached.  Useful when swatting beach flies.  Although tail waving might signal misunderstood intentions.   Rough swindling trades and poker games, tails wagging betrays too much info.  Thats’s a tell.  Bad news for dodgy business men.

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Much needed ‘Appendix Transplant Clinic’, (ATC) abide on straight and narrow.   No shenanigans, clean as whistles!   Word out busy ‘replacing’ appendix.  Clinic back door donor entrance, ‘If you don’t need them make a few quid!’  Rich folk at front door, enjoy beverages, generous buffet and relax.  Not be long!  ‘Making it better, for an easy life!  Our pleasure!’

If loaded get it back.  Why not?

You deserve that!

If broke cash in now!

There’s nothing to lose.

Our Guarantee!

Look not pulling your leg, from donors it’s no pound of flesh just tiny ounce smigen.  No big deal.   New appendix recipients leave feeling happy as Larry.  Acquiring appendix donors, well that market never empty.   Given it’s disposable found flourishing eager local population at fair trade.  Transplants we’d accommodate, nobodies holding gun to your head. Did you know in 1961 Antarctic doctor removed his appendix, assistant held a mirror. Successful op! Now all doctor’s wintering at Antarctic bases must have appendix removed before arriving! In one year, 11.6 million cases of appendicitis reported worldwide. Our message to poor island folk is why take risks better remove that burdensome ticking time bomb, avoid hospital bills if even to survive.  Be smart, head of the game, cash in hand!   Now days if financially loaded and more appreciated appendix, worthwhile getting restored, no if ands or buts.   BTW secret of our success informing today’s appendix better quality than previous one lost, donors having better nutrition, life style, e.g. no prior smoking (each donor promised).  See all depends on bank account POV.  For the man that has everything, when something vital is missing.  Be rich but appendix absent?  Finally intact restored feel better than ever when surfing.  For fair balance we’d lads out warning locals those yoke could explode, dangerous for organs.  Donors understand they’ve limitations, need healthy rulers, with cash in hand correct thing to do.   Help your better fellow man.   Folks financial struggling know who to call, for once something of value to flog.  Note to future donors:  

We can help. As it’s so small donor in full health not essential.

Let’s be clear, if our dear donor get’s rich, of course come to special front door.  Avail of our discount for restoration!  Congratulations!  Fair play.   One donor fellow came back second time feeling certain his had only ‘grown back again’.  Case of hustling the hustlers, we’d take advantage.  Keeping him happy, we peeked in and sent him off on his way.  Fully paid for repeat.  There’s loads of examples in nature, catch a lizard by the tail they lose it to escape then another grows.  Anything is possible, appendix only 0.35 inch straight up.    

We appreciate to ‘exploit’ island difference and diversity to make a dollar.

Not a charity we are running.  What else you expect?

Anyways not happy end of our now mis-adventure, we got stamped down good, see I’m in the slammer.   All went belly up, chickens had come home to roost.  Cor blimey just as it was going swimmingly along.  Who figured our pleasant little prosperous enterprise might go a step too far?   Under Laissez rules no appeal when being obviously guilty.  Being too successful ruffled feathers.  Our misfortune making too many coins, and being light on the slices.  Same story where ever we go.  Remember Wombats quiet animals, group known as a ‘Wisdom’, while those Roos are ‘Mobs’ leaping about.  If I was now in hell how would I know?  Then honestly to top that discontent, our new stable island home had a Revolution.   Soon as ‘absolute’ Money Lads fell that ‘donor-class’ turned on us.  Now they’d be cracking the whip with us target end of the leash.   That’s when I learned what ‘dichotomy’ was, meant my goose was cooked.  That very stormy night in a hurry without my blessing my team got on a fishing trawler, between devils and deep sea.  To flee, sink or swim!  I’d not fancied that, foolishly taking my chances on land.  Hope the lads landed in a better place or fathoms five they lie.   Now riff-raff all upset for our ill-gotten gains at their expense.  Then they saw my scar, I huffed and puffed but had no defense.  Declared their ‘smoking gun’.  They hauled me off to a scanner, I’d had it removed at age 7.    Never considered ‘replacement’.   Why would I do that?  Reinforced their feelings clinic was a total scam, they reckoned, it’s only their opinion.  Two sides to that.  Then all solo got hauled through the streets, feeling the fury.  Accused of being ‘Butcher boy’ they accused exploiting innocent for ill-gotten gain.  Felt as I’d no defense, perhaps I’d stolen from them.  Lucky day by day hail or shine I’d stashed cash away.  Now would ever see it again?  Realising perhaps having no appendix had driven them to such fury.  As Wombats docile while Kangaroos confrontational.  Occurred to me resolution might be with Money lads now imprisoned awaiting with no hope grizzly faith in the volcano maybe best whip out the troublesome widget and return back to rightful owner.  To be freed I’d share my swag if they had suffered.   After all with other islands with surviving boys we’d start again.  Always see bad and good sides.  This might lead to ‘restored’ donors calming down and let me go.  With my charm perhaps in aftermath they’d have me stay among them in the new upper class.  I can fix problems, like that tire fella.  Without me they’d likely not have galvanised that fury and bravery to revolt.  Overall I was long needed catalyst to herald ‘freedom’.  Put lead in their pencils, they finally shrugged away their fears.   One day they’d melt scraps for my statue in Capital square.  In court I conducted my defense.  My intrusion in island affairs led to their being relived of heavy yoke of top heavy brutal rule.  Ask yourself?   Such was my eloquence.  That set of banter worked, I’m revered now by the people being on stamps and currency.  Look peace prevailed and I too got restored.  Spurred them on to free their nation.  Between all the glory bestowed in the former elite only palace, I’ve been that busy.  Never again heard hide nor hair about my team lads, now presume laying low or sleeping with the fishes.  Shed no crocodile tears.  Now I’m right needed this special day, I will be opening Island Parliament.  Big day for all!  I’d gifted them that push.